Why can’t I diet..

I have been on medifast diet on and off since last September or October last year. I should say on and off because most of the times that I am this program, I am constantly cheating, meaning that I am eating something else and I am eating Medifast bars just like nutritional bars.

The first six months, I managed to lose 5-7 lbs but since then I am going up and down and I weighed myself yesterday and realized my weight was now back to what it was when I first started medifast. At least, I didn’t gain weight!

I did some soul searching this afternoon..and asked myself “Why can’t I stick to the program? It is not easy but it is not forever. Even if I can stick to the program for 30 days, it would make a huge difference.” 

Apparently something is interfering me from actually sticking to the program. 

Dieting is hard, uncomfortable and even stressful for a food lover like me.

It does take patience and mental strength to complete the diet program.

Also I need to be ok with cheating here and there, but the problem is that I feel like I can’t do this anymore once I cheat one day (it is called Black and White thinking)

I really want to lose the weight and my friend was also asking me..what is stopping you, Ris? You don’t want to become diabetic, right? It is tough Because my friend is a full blown diabetic and it sucks she said.

Even then, no matter how much I want to lose weight, I can’t seem to resist the urge to buy ice creams, butter candies, rice (my new obsession)..like why? I know that these foods are not going to help me lose weight.

Then I was talking about this with my friend, and she has a master’s degree in social work and is familiar with some psychology and human behavior..and she said..”Maybe subconsciously you don’t feel like losing the weight. but what are you really worried about? What’s making you so anxious about losing the weight now?”

I had never thought about this before but well, first of all I am visiting my family in Japan next month and it is huge because they are constantly pressuring me to lose weight and even over the phone, they keep nagging me about my weight..and I feel resentment and resistant. 

I shouldn’t care what other people say about my looks and weight. I am afraid of their judgment when I visit them in Japan because everybody is so skinny there. 

But I think I hit the nail today when I realized that the reason that I could not stick to the program was the reason for my motivation and it was not the right reason. 

I should want to stick to the program to lose weight because I want to look good and I want to stay healthy. These are legitimate concerns and I do have to work on weight issues so I won’t become diabetic in the near future.

But In my mind I have been worrying about my mom and what she would say about me if she seems me  next month. Last time I visited them, it was pretty bad so even though I know that I need to lose weight, I feel the need to actually eat to be rebellious. It is really confusing and I don’t know if you ever experienced this before..

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