This makes my heart aches because this happened to me in my childhood. I was so afraid of my mother who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD). She was not protecting me but instead she was constantly causing all kinds of problems for me at school.
For example, my mother calls my homeroom teacher and talk badly about me and the next day I go to school, the teacher wanted to lecture me and I was crying because I had no idea why my teacher was scolding me. He told me that I should be more appreciative of my own mother who cares so much about me yet I am so ungrateful and rebellious.
To be honest, I hardly have recollection of my childhood so I don’t remember how often this happened but I was in trouble a lot. My borderline mother was always the loving, caring mother who was struggling to raise a daughter who is so rebellious! And that was me.
Parents should want the best for their children. If I become a mother, I would protect my child even if he is wrong. I am not going to get him into trouble in school. I am his mother. If my child is subject to bad school bullying, I will work with the teacher to move school districts and even transfer to a better school where my child can get the best education. I want my child to be get the most of what we can offer as parents.
And it was never the case for me. I often cried myself to sleep and wondered why my mom was constantly wishing me ill and getting me in trouble with my friends and teachers in school. Did she enjoy seeing me suffer? I was only 9 years old..I don’t want to believe this but my mother’s behavior really made me feel like she was deliberately sabotaging my education and happiness. I had never experienced stability of any kind in my childhood.
Now I want answers badly. Why did my borderline mother do these things? I thought she still loved me deep down and that’s what I wanted to believe as a child.
Why my borderline mother was sabotaging my childhood?
Reason 1: Acceptance:My borderline mother needed acceptance and admirations from my peers’ parents and teachers. She wanted their sympathy for being a supermom.
Reason 2: Control: My borderline mother wanted to control every aspect of my life in my childhood. As she was starting to feel like she can’t control me outside our home, she started to use my teacher, friends and their parents and manipulated them.
Reason 3: Interference: After all, I think my borderline mother was just really afraid of me growing up and becoming an independent person. She was terribly afraid of being abandoned and for some reason, she was obsessed with me and seemed to have spent a lot of time making sure I was under control. As long as my borderline mother believes that she has the slightest control over me, she feels that she doesn’t have to feel abandoned anytime soon.
This was a disaster because I needed a mother who guides me through life. Children explores the world and tries new things to find out what works and what doesn’t work for them. Gradually that process starts to form a consistent sense of self but this cannot happen without unconditional love and support of parents. Mother figure is especially very important here.
Regardless of what happened, Past cannot be undone. I truly feel sorry for my mother. She is in her mid 60s and all I want her to be is to be at peace and happy. I hope she knows that her family has not abandoned her and we are all here for her. It had taken me a while to truly let go of the emotional pain that I had suffered for many years but I think I am finally free from the control…
The most important thing is that adult children of borderline and narcissistic mothers can choose to treat our children differently. This is the only way to stop passing down the illness and a cycle of self sabotage.
Thank you for reading and I would love to hear your comment on this.