As I have said repeatedly in my blog entries, I have a very difficult time trusting anybody. It is definitely related to my childhood and most people who have trust issues were betrayed by their caretakers or being bullied by other children.
All of us experience some kind of conflict or even have to deal with bullies in school and it is part of life unfortunately. But my distrust of others is pretty serious and I literally feel like people are out to get me unless they are my best friends. My logical brain understands that people are not like that..there are bad people in this world but NOT everybody is so black and white.
Friends fight, couples fight and they go on with their lives. But I quickly fear retaliation..something terrible will happen to me if I upset anybody. So my solution is to just keep the enemies around so I know what they are up to..or cut them off completely.
This is my defense mechanism, which worked really well growing up in Japan but as an adult, I can’t really cope with fear and anxiety in the same way. I have to deal with people who are not so nice to me at work, and have to just tell myself..it’s part of life. Annoying people are everywhere no matter where I go and just give the benefits of the doubt to the person.
I thought that my distrust will improve over time..and I think it has improved but I can never allow myself to trust a man to have a child, let alone marriage..forget it! I was talking to my life coach yesterday and she was telling me that I needed more faith in myself, other people and life in general.
At least I am capable of being in a committed relationship now so that alone shows that my issue of trust has gotten a lot better thanks to therapies and lots of inner work.
But I still can’t seem to trust anybody, and will always likely to feel this way for the rest of my life. Instead of forcing myself to trust other people (that I used to do), my new strategy is to embrace my fear of trusting others and just live with it.