Finding myself

Since I do not own a copy of this article, I am just sharing this with you. This poem (at the bottom) made me tear up as I can relate myself to the story of this girl…

By Chantal C.

I have been living with mental illness since I can remember. My earliest recollections are during late childhood years. My clinical depression manifested itself during my adolescence. But now I struggle to understand the depth of my own Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Last year I tried to take my life and was dianogsed with traits of BPD. Even though I suspected this for many years, the diagnosis is my wake-up call. I now ask myself..who am I really and why did I live a life of abuse and self-inflicted pain?

BPD is devastating. Many mental illnesses can be treated with medication and psychotherapy. BPD is one of the most difficult disorders of the mind to overcome. I have lived a life, often lacking the ability to discern and cope. Felling helplessness and continuous despair.

I can’t say that I did not enjoy inspiration, wonder and love. As an artist, the BPD helped me to be creative. Because I have and still do experience emotions so profoundly, it enabled me, in an odd way, to express myself by painting, photographing and writing. Sometimes, the more I hurt inside, the more I feel and the more I create.

The Baby in a dysfunctional family

My day one stars with my earliest childhood memories as a sensitive little girl in a dysfunctional family. I was often ridiculed, rejected and experienced emotional rage and isolation because of a continued sense of abandonment from my elders. When I was eight, my brothers and sisters were in their teens and twenties. I was the baby in a family with seven brothers, two elder sisters, a verbally abusive and distant father but a gentle loving caring mother.

At fourteen I became the rebellious teen no one care to discipline. Even though the discipline should have started during my childhood years I was now “testing the limits.” I wanted to be loved, and so, I searched for it elsewhere. My life became self-indulgent: sexual promiscuity, drugs, impulsive behavior and depression.

Very inspirational poem of BPD

The Inner Child of a Borderline

I am seven years old

I stare out my bedroom window

On the eighth floor of this dreadful apartment

The city lights illuminate

I dream and long for a better life

Not one of isolation and aloneness

But one where I can exist

Where I am loved and accepted

I fear the pain of rejection

I cry often and run to my room

This is where I am safe

Here I can feel

Not out there in the throws of an adult world

I can’t show emotions

My father doesn’t say “I love you”

And others, they ridicule me

Seven years of isolation

Looking out a bedroom window

What is beyond?

A rebellious teen

Promiscuity and drugs

Desparately aching for love

The cycle began

Spiralling in self-hatred

Can’t take this life no longer

I want to go but I can’t

My soul mate just might be around the corner

Life goes on

Twenties, thirties

Constantly searching

My emotions are out of control

I keep making the same mistakes

I can’t change

Where is this love?

Does it really exist?

If it doesn’t. how can I?

Then..I give up

This life within will never change

I am so lost and empty

I want to go

I try

But I fail

I was left with one thing

Searching

There has to be something more

As I cried out, I found a second chance

To believe in myself and to not give up

That I can commit to recovery

That finally, I understand my hope

I am not in my room anymore

I am stronger

I say to my inner child, “I love you”

“I love you too,” she replies

We look at each other and smile

and Hold each other tightly

And everyday now, I say to her, “Forgive me”

 

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