Since I do not own a copy of this article, I am just sharing this with you. This poem (at the bottom) made me tear up as I can relate myself to the story of this girl…
By Chantal C.
I have been living with mental illness since I can remember. My earliest recollections are during late childhood years. My clinical depression manifested itself during my adolescence. But now I struggle to understand the depth of my own Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Last year I tried to take my life and was dianogsed with traits of BPD. Even though I suspected this for many years, the diagnosis is my wake-up call. I now ask myself..who am I really and why did I live a life of abuse and self-inflicted pain?
BPD is devastating. Many mental illnesses can be treated with medication and psychotherapy. BPD is one of the most difficult disorders of the mind to overcome. I have lived a life, often lacking the ability to discern and cope. Felling helplessness and continuous despair.
I can’t say that I did not enjoy inspiration, wonder and love. As an artist, the BPD helped me to be creative. Because I have and still do experience emotions so profoundly, it enabled me, in an odd way, to express myself by painting, photographing and writing. Sometimes, the more I hurt inside, the more I feel and the more I create.
The Baby in a dysfunctional family
My day one stars with my earliest childhood memories as a sensitive little girl in a dysfunctional family. I was often ridiculed, rejected and experienced emotional rage and isolation because of a continued sense of abandonment from my elders. When I was eight, my brothers and sisters were in their teens and twenties. I was the baby in a family with seven brothers, two elder sisters, a verbally abusive and distant father but a gentle loving caring mother.
At fourteen I became the rebellious teen no one care to discipline. Even though the discipline should have started during my childhood years I was now “testing the limits.” I wanted to be loved, and so, I searched for it elsewhere. My life became self-indulgent: sexual promiscuity, drugs, impulsive behavior and depression.
Very inspirational poem of BPD
The Inner Child of a Borderline
I am seven years old
I stare out my bedroom window
On the eighth floor of this dreadful apartment
The city lights illuminate
I dream and long for a better life
Not one of isolation and aloneness
But one where I can exist
Where I am loved and accepted
I fear the pain of rejection
I cry often and run to my room
This is where I am safe
Here I can feel
Not out there in the throws of an adult world
I can’t show emotions
My father doesn’t say “I love you”
And others, they ridicule me
Seven years of isolation
Looking out a bedroom window
What is beyond?
A rebellious teen
Promiscuity and drugs
Desparately aching for love
The cycle began
Spiralling in self-hatred
Can’t take this life no longer
I want to go but I can’t
My soul mate just might be around the corner
Life goes on
My emotions are out of control
I keep making the same mistakes
I can’t change
Where is this love?
Does it really exist?
If it doesn’t. how can I?
Then..I give up
This life within will never change
I am so lost and empty
I want to go
But I fail
I was left with one thing
There has to be something more
As I cried out, I found a second chance
To believe in myself and to not give up
That I can commit to recovery
That finally, I understand my hope
I am not in my room anymore
I am stronger
I say to my inner child, “I love you”
“I love you too,” she replies
We look at each other and smile
and Hold each other tightly
And everyday now, I say to her, “Forgive me”